Those of us called into the healing professions often carry wounds. Through our life experience we know suffering, we feel empathy and compassion for others, and are drawn to help. But our wounds can compromise the care we offer.
As mental health professionals we spend our days listening to people in pain. While a deep practice of compassion can protect us from vicarious traumatisation, if we have not done the inner work, our empathy can lead to emotional exhaustion and burnout.
I train practitioners in healing techniques and my students are counsellors, therapists, psychologists and other healers. We learn through practising the techniques on each other and soon discover that all of us carry trauma. In every program there are practitioners who get triggered and distressed. I organise volunteers to provide one-on-one support for students, as needed.
That so many established practitioners are emotionally vulnerable alerted me to the level of burnout and distress in the mental health professions. I expanded and adapted my training programs to focus on much on healing for the participants, as learning new techniques.
In my blog on ‘Safety’, I emphasised the need for the practitioner to be grounded and present. When two people are in close proximity and communication, their emotional systems co-regulate. If the practitioner is anxious, emotionally aroused, triggered, or irritated, then that places a burden of stress on the client and inhibits healing.
Alternatively, if practitioners conceal their vulnerability, they may intellectualise or distance themselves from the client, who then feels a lack of emotional support and compassion.
In order to practice in a truly compassionate way, and create the conditions for healing, the practitioner must develop the capacity to sit alongside someone in their darkest place and to tolerate the pain, while still conveying an attitude of loving kindness. That requires skill in emotional regulation and self-awareness - not shutting down feelings but witnessing them without being perturbed.
We need to be mindfully aware of all the potential dynamics in the client-practitioner relationship and respond with openness, humanity and compassion, even when the dynamic is challenging or difficult. If we have a robust sense of self-worth then we feel no need to defend ourselves and can welcome the opportunity to learn from a difficult encounter.
For all these reasons, we cannot practice to our full capacity unless we first attend to our own healing and wellbeing. I give self-care a higher priority than immediate client care and if I notice that I am stressed, not well grounded, or distracted, then I cancel client sessions for the day. I am honest about the reason, saying, “I’m sorry but today I am not in the best state to provide care for you.”
I arrange to reschedule the sessions as soon as possible and then do much better work on the day. I believe this is ethical practice and my clients appreciate the high standards I set myself, and my openness in also having life struggles. I also feel that I am being a healthy role-model for my clients in prioritising self-care and wellbeing.
So what does self-care entail? I think the journey is different for everyone but this is what I have attended to in my own life:
I am fortunate in having a loyal and loving life partner and we have supported each others’ healing for more than forty years. We continuously invest in our relationship and the quality of our lives together. We eat healthy and nourishing food - my wife is renowned for her cooking! - we get plenty of exercise, practice sleep hygiene, ensure we have quiet time for reflection, spend time in nature, we take regular holiday breaks, and contribute a lot to our community through volunteer work.
My attention to my mental wellbeing began in the 1990’s when I discovered the book “Learned Optimism” by Martin Seligman, the founding father of positive psychology. I use the technique nearly every day of my life and this has contributed greatly to my success and my resilience.
Ever curious I explored Buddhist philosophy, which I found appealing, and mindfulness meditation. Although I don’t have a regular meditation practice, I can reach a state of calm acceptance and I find joy in stillness. We all have many opportunities for mindfulness through the day, including our work with clients. One of my mindful practices is washing the dishes after a meal, even if there is a big pile of them. But nobody is allowed to interfere in my process!
Internal Family Systems (IFS) gave me great insights into the many parts of my personality and also allowed me to resolve a serious physical health issue through the healing of internal conflicts. I was able to stop medication and cancel urgent surgery.
My introduction to Havening Techniques six years ago began with the astonishing discovery that my worst trauma could be quickly erased. I carried a dreadful fear of abandonment for more than fifty years and it was gone in fifteen minutes. A number of terrible medical traumas are healed. I have come to know and accept that I am loved by many and allowed this to seep into my own sense of self-worth.
If I notice I am stressed or tense, Havening gives me tools to rapidly release stress, I can spend time in nature, and attend to quiet reflection. A day is enough to get me grounded and present again. If necessary, I will reach out to other practitioners for support.
I am a writer and I use dramatised non-fiction to share my stories. I have learned to write with emotional power and the process is cathartic. A number of times in writing my new book (still in production) I have sobbed with the release of pent-up feelings; at the time of the events I had neither the emotional awareness nor the language to express them. In my writing, I find meaning in my struggles.
My healing work is often light-hearted and fun, and I try to let go of attachment to outcomes and to practice in a gentle and intuitive way. This is my best work. If I try too hard, I may spoil the result. I feel immense gratitude and satisfaction as I witness clients transforming their lives.
Through all these many approaches I have also deepened my spiritual beliefs. I sense meaning in the world, being part of something bigger than myself, and open to receiving inspiration and guidance.
Above all, my own experience of healing gives me deep faith in the capacity of others to heal. When our clients are in deep despair and have no hope in ever getting better, our own faith might be the one light that sustains them on their healing journey. I talk easily of my own trauma and this is often a comfort for my clients who feel that I understand their suffering, and that there is hope for healing.